This page describes the terms and conditions (Conditions) on which we may purchase a cat (that's a cat, not a bat) from you. We do not purchase animals which, even when we squint a bit and look sideways, we do not consider to be cats. Please read the Conditions carefully before trying to flog us your feline. By asking us to snap up your cat or pay cash for your kitty, you agree to be bound by these Conditions. Which is better than being bound by some stiff rope and tickled with a stick of celery.
You can print a copy of the Conditions for future reference. But only if you really don't like trees.
1. About Us
webuyanycat.com is a site operated by our friends, Sir David Cattenborough, Kerry Cat-owner and Margaret Scratcher. We are a company registered only in the febrile imagination of our creator, and any attempt to find our registered office at No.1 Letsby Avenue, Cat Hole, Yorkshire, UK DL11 6YZ will result in a long walk, sore feet and nothing to show for it.
2. Online valuations
2.1 Any valuations we quote on our website is based on the information you tell us about your cat. So we really hope you're telling the truth and know the difference between a little ginger kitten, a Mongolian Sabre-toothed Hairy Lion Cat and a chest of drawers.
2.2 We won't carry out any inspection of your cat, but we do like to look at pictures of pusses. The fluffier the better. Awww!
2.3 We reserve the right to revise our offer at any time in line with our perceived condition of your cat, the strength of the Pound against the Euro, the direction of the wind and whether we've had any luck recently on the Lottery scratch cards.
3. Pawchase Contract
3.1 Once we have offered you an online price for your puss, you'll no doubt be expecting a pawchase contract. Well, we might draw one up but we'll probably only use it to eat our chips off, or let Tibbles do a tiddle on it. Either way, you really wouldn't want it.
3.2 Any offer by us to buy your cat is 0% binding in law, totally fictional and not worth the non-existent paper it isn't printed on. All offers made on webuyanycat.com are purely jocular, in jest and simply whimsy.
3.3 In the event we make an online offer for your cat, we are not committing to buy it and however huggable it is, we really don't want it. Please do not send us your cat, anyone else's cat or a chameleon disguised as a cat. We can tell the difference, you know.
4. Price and Payment
4.1 We will not pay any price we quote for your cat, so don't expect us to transfer any funds to your bank account or stuff a wedge of notes under your mattress.
4.2 Whatever the ludicrous price we offer, we will not charge any fleas. We are a flea-free organization. However barmy we may seem, at least we're up to scratch.
4.3 Our standard means of payment is to check the price we offered you, snigger a bit, make a cup of tea, put our feet up and do precisely nothing. Never mind all that “allow 4 – 5 working days” nonsense or “the cheque's in the post” – we're not sending you a penny, ever.
4.4 Advice for cat owners: your cat may puss off if you do not keep up the level of Kitty Nibbles in its food bowl. We are regulated by the Furrnancial Services Authority. But then, we are the only members…
5. Your Representations
5.1 If you are trying to sell us your cat, we are relying on your representation that:
6. Cats subject to Furrnance
6.1 So you're trying to sell us a cat bought on HP (Higher Pawchase) or from a Fleasing company. The shame!
6.2 We will carefully consider the value of your cat in relation to the sum outstanding to the furrnance company.
6.3 If the value of your cat exceeds the amount of furrnance outstanding, we won't pay you any money for the cat nor will we accept the cat. We're just backing away… slowly… keeping an eye on those claws.
6.4 If the value of the cat is less than the amount of furrnance outstanding, we still won't pay your any money for your cat, accept your cat or even take a budgie by way of compensation. We think by now you're getting the message, amigo?
7. Our Liability.
Yes, we admit it. We are a bit of a liability. Coming along on a whim, using up some perfectly good web space to pretend to buy your cat when we have no intention of doing so… what's the world coming to? I'd go and stroke the cat if I were you. You'll feel much better afterwards.
8. Law and Jurisdiction.
Sounds like a dusty old version of a Jane Austen novel written specially for solicitors. We much prefer Paws on the Precipice – an adventure story by Jayne Pussten. Or Snooze and Snoozability, another big favourite with cats.
9. Use of your information
To ensure your information is really secure with us, we write it in invisible ink on edible paper, seal it in a plastic box with a lid that's particularly difficult to get off, put the box inside a safe, throw away the key, put a large stone in front of the safe, and then demolish the house it's inside. Or we just give away all your secrets to your neighbours. Who knows how the fancy will take us?
10. Permitted use
10.1 You are only permitted to access and use this website on the basis that you accept it's very silly, just for fun and definitely not for the purpose of buying your cat or anyone else's.
10.2 Access to and use of this website other than for your personal, non-commercial purposes and to tell your mates, is strictly prohibited. If we catch you in the act of doing something wicked and commercial with it, we'll send round a huge pride of angry lions, or perhaps a cross-looking chap with a bowler hat, a rolled-up umbrella and a briefcase. Or worse!
10.3 You are not permitted to use this website:
10.4 You can link to this website as long as you're nice about it and don't do anything we wouldn't like, as determined by us according to our current mood. This includes pretending we approve of your website without asking us first. It's only good manners, after all. Have a nice day, and give our love to your cat. Byee!
© webuyanycat.com 2011
